Friends on Your Life Raft

The natural ebb and flow of our preadolescents brought constant stories and questions about friendship; we would likely revisit this topic every year. And there was no shortage of interest in the topic, either!

Laura and Karis, our leaders for the night, started the conversation just by asking the girls, "What makes a good friend?"
"Someone who is nice." 
"Someone you can trust." 
"You have fun with a friend!"
"My friends and I like to do the same things."

Next we played a little game -- "Do you like this or that?" It's just a series of options the girls had to pick from. If you liked this, you moved to the right side of the room. If you liked that, then go the left. It's an easy way to see how we have commonalities and differences between our friends. Some options included pizza or pasta? Ice cream or cake? Sledding or swimming?

The girls then had a few moments to write some anonymous questions about friends. We all sat on the floor as the discussion began, and spent much time listening to the moms' friendship experiences. The girls listened carefully and thoughtfully as the adults shared stories about friends who wove in and out of our lives naturally and with no anger; about those who had shaped us and loved us deeply; about traveling to new places and having to make new acquaintances who often became amigos; how this could be unnerving and scary along with exciting and life changing. Jen summed it up with a beautiful quote:

"Friends support you on your life raft; if you don't maintain relationships, you can't stay afloat."

After a quick snack, a gulp of water and some stretches, we all got back to it in small groups. Laura and Karis posed a few questions for us to mull over in our groups. Below are just a sample of answers the girls talked about:

How do you deal with friends who only play with their best friend or boss others around?
⇢ talk to your teacher
⇢ try not to be a third wheel; find a new friend!
⇢ this is hurtful! talk 1-on-1 with someone in the group to let them know how you feel

How do you avoid a person who wants to be your friend, but whom you just don't really like?
⇢ join a bigger group to disperse the attention
⇢ stand up for yourself, but be kind about it!
⇢ avoid extra time together

What do you do when friends leave you out?
⇢ find a new friend
⇢ talk about it, or just stay away for awhile
⇢ confide in your parents or another trusted adult
⇢ practice what you're going to say if you decide to confront them about it

What do you do when your comrades don't want to include others, but you're okay with it? How would it feel if you were the one excluded?
⇢ talk to your friend; make plans to have some alone time, but also time to include other people
⇢ spend time with other friends on your own
⇢ it feels bad to be excluded!

The meeting drew to a close, and we all had much to think about. The overall theme we kept hearing was to COMMUNICATE with your friends! No one could read minds, and shouldn't be expected to.

As we gathered in our circle to say goodnight and give our compliments, I felt very proud to be a part of this thoughtful group of females. We loved our friends fiercely and expected kindness and respect in the world.

Holiday Crafts & Hobbies

The pine and spice smells fragranced the air. But it was COLD! December bowled us over with its chilliness, as well as its command to stay indoors. This was a perfect time to introduce some new hobbies and crafts to the girls. If we're going to be stuck inside, we should make the most of it!

We held a craft and hobby night, and many of the moms (and a couple of older sisters -- thank you!) took charge of each of several stations. We communicated via email to choose these, and the results were overwhelmingly excellent. (The photos below will help better explain each of them.) That night, once we gathered in our circle to greet each other and explain the night, we let the the girls loose. The moms stayed at their stations to help, though had opportunities to roam a bit, too. The girls hopped freely from table to table to try everything once or twice or seven times. This event was too short and everyone requested a repeat soon!

Two of the older sisters kindly taught everyone how to finger knit. 

My girls and I had to run out to purchase some yarn for at home after they mastered this craft.

Because we were so close to Christmas, and all of us celebrate this holiday, 

Kori taught the girls how to tie lovely ribbon Christmas trees.

This table had all things card-making; cool papers, rubber stamps and pads, embossing tools and powders. I aided the ladies as they created gift tags and cards for their holiday presents.

Here Michelle and Sara demonstrated how to sew an adorable Christmas ornament. Michelle, the resident quilt extraordinaire, already had all the materials at home for this craft.

Elizabeth's idea of creating edible art was brilliant! Especially when you could nibble your creation throughout the night. She wisely brought healthy options along with a few treats.

Jen and Cali worked on finger knitting -- some of those ropes were exceptionally long!

All Things Sleepover!

What started as a healthy snacks theme morphed into all things sleepover. How, you may ask? Well, last year we already spent some time discussing healthy habits in general, and we didn't think the girls would be keen to review that again. But we wanted them to take ownership of making their own healthy snacks -- what parent isn't tired of the "I'm hungry -- what can I eat?" question?!  Thinking about making tasty and good-for-you treats with friends sounded good, and a perfect venue for that is a sleepover! Everyone loves to eat at those! Donned in jammies and clutching our sleeping bags, we set out for an incredibly delightful evening.

Here was our agenda for the night and how it played out:

1.  Ice Breaker: "Mirror" game. Sit or stand face to face. Pick a leader. The leader slowly moves her arms or legs while the other tries to mirror the movements exactly. See how in sync you can be. (This cracked many of us up!)
2. Top 5 sleepover ideas -- brainstorm with the group. What do you like to do at a sleepover? Or if you haven't been a part of a sleepover yet, what would you like to do?
3. Snack time! How can you make your friends and yourself some yummy, semi-healthy snacks? We had all the supplies for the girls to make each of these:
1. Homemade microwave popcorn. You need a paper bag (like a lunch sack), popcorn, a little butter and salt if you like. Simply put a couple of tablespoons of popcorn in the bag, roll it up tightly and put it in the microwave. Set the timer for a couple of minutes. As the popping slows, take it out, pour it in a bowl, and add melted butter/salt to your liking. Viola!
2. Make your own trail mix. Keeping allergies in mind, you can go wild with this! Nuts, dried fruit, m&m's, cereal, pretzels, you name it.
3. Roll up some energy bites. 
1. Ingredients: 1 cup dry oatmeal, 1/2 cup chocolate chips (or dried fruit), 1/2 cup peanut or almond butter, 1/2 cup ground flaxseed, 1/3 cup honey, 1 teaspoon vanilla.
2.  Mix together all these ingredients, roll into walnut-sized balls and then refrigerate for an hour (or just eat at room temp!).
4. Create a smoothie. Add yogurt, fruit, honey and juice or water to the blender. Let it whir and enjoy!
4. Games (discussion and playing, of course!)
1. What makes games appropriate?
2. How can you say no to a friend if she wants to do something you know you shouldn't?
3. Technology use -- can you hop online when friends are over?
4. Pass out fun game ideas (includes silly games, friendship quizzes, craft ideas). See below. (Friendship quizzes were found in several American Girl friendship books.)
5. Solicit more ideas from the girls. Give them 10 minutes to brainstorm with small groups and then share. Add their ideas to the lists they were given above.
6. Play at least one of the games!

We topped the night off with a "campfire" of flashlights and scarves. We told stories, then ended with back rubs or scratches. What a way to kick off the weekend! They all wanted to have a "real" sleepover together at one of our meetings. That's an idea to mull over...

                         

                                   

                                                         Our "campfire."

Staying Home Alone

As established awhile ago, our girls were growing up! Yay and boo. (o: And with that came more independence. Many of them were talking about wanting to stay home alone; some of them already had. It was time to go over the ground rules for this new adventure.

Tricia and Sara handled this one beautifully. After greeting one another and grabbing some snacks, they followed this outline for the night:

1) House Rules
2) Are You Ready to Stay Home Alone?
3) Real-life Scenarios

House Rules 

Tricia and Sara used a guide from the American Girl Library collection, "Staying Home Alone." It mentioned the following tips for discussing house rules, as every family's different.

• Check in: after you get home, lock the door and check in with an adult. Who should that be and how?
• Phone calls: do you answer the phone? Let it ring? What do you say if someone is looking for your parents?
• Company: can you answer the door if someone knocks? Can you have friends over?
• Technology: are you allowed to use the computer, internet, iPad, TV, phone, etc.?
• Being home: can you play in your yard or neighborhood? Or should you stay indoors?
• Snacks: what are you allowed to eat when you're alone? Are there any appliances that are off-limits (stove, microwave)?
• Schedule: if you are home alone after school, do you have to do homework or chores before you can play?

The discussion that ensued was lively and informative. Some comments included:

"My yard is fenced in and locked, so I know I am safe in there."

"I can have friends over only if the other parents know we will be alone and they're okay with that."

"Sometimes I sneak a treat when no one is home!"

"I can watch TV, right Mom?"

"I don't like to be home alone when it's dark, so we just do that during the day."

Are You Ready to Stay Home Alone?

No one wants anything unpleasant to happen to our kids, especially when we aren't around! But things do tend to come up, and knowing how to stay calm is key to ensuring a positive experience. The girls took a short quiz (from the same book mentioned earlier) to rate how they handled the unexpected. Arming them with the knowledge of how comfortable they feel by themselves helped them gauge their maturity a bit. We discussed calling 911 for a real emergency, or just calling your parents if you're not sure about something. Make a plan for these scenarios: a parent is late. There's a scary noise in the basement. You and your siblings are fighting -- who is in charge? 

A helpful tip to remember: if your daughter didn't feel ready to be home alone, then you wouldn't make her stay home alone! Short trial-runs work beautifully -- a quick run to the library or to get some gas. Start short and work your way up to a few hours. 

And what to do when you're home alone, ladies? Some girls mentioned being bored. But what freedom you have when you're alone! Do the things your family finds really annoying (singing too loudly, banging on drums, popping gum bubbles). Write in your diary. Make a surprise for your family. The time will go faster if you stay busy.

Real-life Scenarios

We divided into teams for the last part of our night. Our mission? To decide what we'd do in certain situations. We needed to discuss 1) how we'd feel, 2) what solutions or strategies we'd have, and 3) who we could talk to about them. Here are a few examples:

• You come home from school alone. While you were at school your friend gave you the website for a really cool online game. Everyone in your class has been playing this. Your friend even gave you her passcode so it's FREE! Your mom and dad have said they want to okay any websites before you use them. But, by the time they get home there will not be any time left to play the game because then you have to leave for basketball. What do you do?

• You are home alone and your phone doesn't have called ID. You answer the phone because you think it's your mom. The person on the line says she works with your dad. She wants to drop off some important papers, but she forgot to get the address from him. If you can give her the address, she can bring the papers now. How do you respond?

• You are home alone and left in charge of your younger sister. Your parents said you could watch a movie, but you two can't agree on one. Your sister gets upset and throws the DVD at your head. It didn't really hurt that bad, but you are frustrated and don't know what do to. What now?

This part of the night could have gone on for hours. Literally. There were a host of ideas and feelings. But really, it all boiled down to staying calm, making the right choices and contacting your parents if things just couldn't be resolved or you couldn't shake the bad feeling in your gut. Trust your gut! It's smart and has your safety as top priority #1!

P.S...If you ever want the full version of things like these real-life scenarios, just throw it in a comment and I can publish them all.

Healthy Habits, Inside and Out

After a break from meeting in the summer, we eagerly got together again in September. How we had missed each other! We were now meeting at a local church, which had fabulous space and more flexibility for us. Each family paid an equal % of the cost upfront to rent the space from September through May.

We started off with a Summer Check-in game:

Once the girls had some time to chat and catch up a bit (and get their extra energy out!), we took some time to check out our new space (find the restrooms, of course) and then settled in for some discussion about ways we keep the inside of our bodies healthy. We listed them on some easel paper:

We talked about the word "diet" and how it really just means what you eat. Our girls were quite cognizant of healthy food choices already, as our group's families prioritized this at home. The suggestion that stuck out to me was "love." What a simple way to improve your mental health, your self-esteem, your outlook on life! That was my favorite contribution.

We stretched our bodies a bit with some yoga moves and nibbled a few healthy snacks before heading into "Outside of our Bodies." We broke into groups. Each table worked together to brainstorm examples of ways we keep the outside of our bodies healthy. The ideas were recorded on Post-its and then added to the large body drawing on the board. 

Ideas included bike helmets, sunscreen, deodorant, glasses/sunglasses, changing clothes, etc. Very creative!

Ending the night with a back scratch chain helped reinforce the best healthy habit: love for yourself!

Community Service

One theme at the heart of our TAGG meetings continued to be service. We always ended up talking about kindness and empathy towards others during our meetings, so we decided to have a service project in the summer. We chose Feed My Starving Children, an organization dedicated to feeding the hungry children of the world (https://www.fmsc.org/). This amazing organization was an excellent project for us: they could accommodate our large crowd, they eagerly accepted children working to pack meals and the help we gave was tangible. Please visit their website if you're not familiar with their outreach and commitment to service. For many of the girls, this was old hat -- they'd been there with family or church groups many times. Others experienced it all for the first time with TAGG. When we saw that we had contributed to packing over 13,000 meals, we were energized! Everyone said they couldn't wait to go back. Doing good AND having fun? Winner winner, chicken dinner.

A Hilariously Original Take 2 on Body Changes

Michelle earned herself a spot of glory forevermore with her creative follow-up meeting to the Body Talk meeting we had last month. This clever gal created games to get the girls comfortable with pads, tampons and bras. We broke into 5 teams (1-2 moms per group of girls) and Michelle gave us each a different task to complete first. There were 5 tasks total, and each team needed to complete all five. I honestly couldn't remember the last time I laughed for as hard and as long as I did this evening. Michelle was on hand to assist groups as needed, and provided all the necessary materials. A few of us brought some boxes of tampons to help the cause.

Here was the rundown of each task:

#1: All About Bras 
Measure one member of your team to see what size bra she should wear (the band size only, not the cup size). Or if no one is comfortable being measured, come and measure Michelle. Then jog in place and count up to this number as a team.

Choose a bra and put it on. Have your team members stuff it with socks. Count how many socks it took to stuff, then have everyone in your group do that many jumping jacks. Pass on the bra to the next teammate, stuff with socks, and repeat.

Have everyone in your team sit down "criss-cross applesauce" and link arms when you are finished. 

#2: A Period Quiz! 
1) Using the provided reference books, figure out approximately how much fluid/blood a woman loses every month during her menstrual cycle (her "period"). ________________
2) How many days does a typical "period" last? _______________
3) How many times per year does a woman get her "period"? ______________
For the next 2 questions, circle the best answer:
(Just take a guess, these answers are probably not found in the books.)
4) How much does a package of pads cost?
$1       $3-6      $6-12      $50
5) What are "pads" sometimes called (other names for pads)?
sanitary napkins      rags    maxipads    pantiliners    all of the above

Turn in your quiz to Michelle to get your next task!

#3: All About Pads (note: this one works best on a smooth floor surface; not carpet)
First, make your own pad out of toilet paper or Kleenex. Put it in the underwear and deliver it to Michelle. Second, get in line with your teammates at one end of the room. Have the first person attach pads to the bottoms of their feet, then slide across the room and back. Take the pads off and stick them to the next person's feet and repeat. If the pads are no longer sticky, get new ones. Dispose of the "used" ones properly (wrap them up in their wrappers or in toilet paper and put in the garbage.)

When finished, sit down and put your arms in the air when your team is finished (but remain SILENT)!

#4: More About Pads
First, get a pair of underwear and a large/thick pad. Put the pad in the underwear. Count how many teaspoons of water you can pour into the pad without it leaking. Have everyone in your team count out loud.

Why do you think you shouldn't wear a pad when you are going swimming? Write your answer below and give it to Alicia.

#5: Tampons -- What are they and what can you do with them?!
First, have one of the moms in your group lay down on a table. Have each team member open up a tampon and try to shoot it over the mom lying on the table -- it must go over her and land on the floor. If it lands on her, pick it up, out it back in the applicator and try again.

When everyone has successfully shot a tampon over the mom, pick up all of the tampons, applicators and wrappers, and make a sculpture with them. Get some washi tape from Michelle to help hold your sculpture together -- the sculpture must represent something you love about summer. If you need more tampons, as Michelle.

When your sculpture is finished, decide on a song you all know and sing it quietly together.

This evening gave the girls a chance to be silly and get comfortable with all these wacky changes coming. Our first meeting about this topic was pretty serious; it felt good to let loose and keep the humor going! And honestly, I don't know if the girls or their moms enjoyed it more! Thanks, Michelle.

Body Changes, Take 1

Is it just me, or are these girls growing up too fast? How are they ready to talk about body changes already? Didn't we just finish potty training??

Ready or not (they're ready -- I am not!), in fourth grade at our school, the students watch a video about body changes (gender specific), and we wanted them to be prepared for this. When I was growing up, my mom was pretty liberal, but we certainly didn't talk much about periods and bras and all that. It was done in a kind of "this is for this, that is for that, it's tough to be a woman" way. Our TAGG group felt strongly that this was an opportunity for mature discussion; for questions and curiosity; for openness. We also wanted to dispel any rumors or misinformation.

Michelle kindly requested the video ahead of time from our fourth grade teachers, and they happily obliged. She reported back about the general tone and content of the video so we'd know what lay ahead. Nothing racy! Very much about hormonal and body changes. We decided to host both pre- and post-video viewing sessions so we could prep the girls before the video and then give them time to reflect after watching it in class. (Note: a few of the younger girls of the group sat these two sessions out, as they weren't quite ready for these discussions. Many of them did participate, though, as they'd likely hear all about it from their older sisters anyway!)

So here's the rundown of Body Changes, Take 1, lovingly led by Karis and Laura:

1) Greeting

2) Skit performed by Laura, Karis and one of the girls. Basic synopsis: girls complained about their bodies: "I'm too short!" "I don't like my hair!" A friend lifted their spirits by reminding them that those things may change during puberty. "My sister grew 5 inches when she turned 13." "My neighbor's hair seemed so shiny once she became a teenager."

3) Group generated list of changes that happen to our bodies: body odor, hair in new places, grow taller, develop breasts, mood swings, get your period, acne.

4) Discussion about these topics and how the girls felt about them. Most of the conversation came back to menstruation. They had so many questions about why it happened, what is was exactly, what that would feel like, etc. Everyone weighed in with opinions and answers; nothing was off-limits, and the girls kept it very appropriate. They seemed to understand that they were entering into "women's" conversation. Karis and Laura brought pads to show the girls and reassured them that if they were at a friend's house, the mom there would be happy to help them if the need arose. The moms shared plenty of growing up stories, too. We all had quite a few chuckles!

5) Self care: We stressed the importance of daily washing! Especially your face and underarms. Showering was encouraged as an every other day occurrence so as not to dry out your skin/scalp. And don't forget the deodorant! Or as our beloved Mrs. Schroeder called it, "underarm charm!" Eating healthy foods and avoiding too much sugar would help with acne issues, as well as general health. We talked about how our girls needed at least 10 hours of sleep each night. Twice daily brushing of teeth and flossing, as well as using mouthwash when needed, was stressed. Use of sunscreen, hats and sunglasses helped with skincare issues. And, of course, changing of the stinky socks and undies DAILY!!

6) Right to privacy: we wanted to be clear -- no one had the right to touch you without your permission! If boys (or other girls) started snapping your bra or touching your hair or anything you don't approve of, talk to a responsible adult right away. Nip it in the bud!

7) Bras. Some of the moms brought in a few bras to show the girls how to put them on, as well as to demonstrate the various sizes, shapes, designs, etc. They had a pretty big laugh about my bright pink one! A little style in the unmentionables was nothing to be ashamed of! (o:

8) The Whole You. A great reminder that this puberty stuff was just one piece to the amazing puzzle of YOU! (from "The Caring and Keeping of You" by American Girl).

9) While the girls could have talked about this topic all weekend, we finally ended with a clever chant Tricia taught us called "Private Square."

"Stop! Don't touch me there. 

This is my private square. (mime drawing a square in front of your body)

That is yours (point away) and this is mine (point to self)

And this is where I draw the line!" (draw a line across your neck)

Thank goodness we planned to revisit this topic again next month. But so glad we started our open dialogue and made it easy breezy to discuss. Those days of embarrassment and hush-hush talk were gladly in the past!

Resolving Conflict

If your family is anything like mine, you hear more rather ridiculous arguments than you can count every day (maybe even every morning?). I read that on average, siblings in particular fight 3.5 times every hour. That's roughly 10 minutes of each hour of the day that they are together. Ouch! No wonder my husband and I have a super-sized container of Excederin in the medicine cabinet. Not every argument is silly, of course, and there are plenty of reasons why we should teach our girls how to stand up for themselves and resolve conflict peacefully and assertively.

Michelle and Kori led our conflict resolution meeting, and as calm and gentle souls, they were the perfect ones to do it! After a good discussion about why people argue and the difference between a big and small conflict, they introduced this acronym: Take a STAND to solve a problem.

S -- Stop and calm down. Keep emotions in check.
T -- Tell what's bugging you. Listen to each side. Stick to the facts!
A -- Assess alternatives. Brainstorm your options.
N -- Narrow your choices to "win-wins."
D -- Decide on the best one that you both agree upon, and do it!

"I" statements were also introduced as a great way to solve conflicts -- to move from being too passive (like a doormat) or aggressive (like a mean kid) to assertive (kind, but standing up for yourself). All of the moms at our moms-only meeting felt really strongly about this one. "We are teaching our daughters to be kind, but then they are walked all over!" A few of us admitted that that was still the case for ourselves as adults. Use of these "I" statements helped overcome the hurdle of worrying about others' feelings and just stating facts about ourselves.

A sheet with this information was passed out:

"I" statements are usually done in a very specific way, and they can be used anywhere, at any time, with anyone!

"I feel __________ (mad, sad, scared, upset, disappointed, etc.) when you _____________(describe the action or behavior) because ___________ (say how this action led to your feeling). I need you to/I want you to/I wish you would ___________ (say what you would like the other person to do)."

The girls and moms broke into small groups and were given scenarios to try to resolve. Everyone had ideas about how to solve the problems they faced. Watching these girls stand up for themselves when they felt wronged (acting or not) gave us all a sense of power and peace. They could do this! As always, we ended the meeting in a circle, giving compliments to the female next to us.

Now, I know the everyday squabbles aren't going anywhere, but when the big ones arrive, we have a pocket full of ideas about how to resolve them. Yeehaw!

Communication 101

Communication was the name of the game for this session. Elizabeth, Jen and I chose to discuss verbal and non-verbal exchanges, and this was perfect timing after our last session about body language. Our goals were learning ways to communicate:

• when we're upset, sad or just disagree.
• with "safe strangers" (waiter, shop clerk).
• actively, politely and assertively.

The downstairs conference space of a local coffee shop continued to be our meeting place. Once orders were placed and everyone had chatted a bit, we got down to business. After a circle greeting and introduction of the topic, we started with discussing how to actively listen. Elizabeth shared this great acronym:

We all dutifully practiced these suggestions while she talked, of course! This was a great tool for listening at school to teachers and classmates, and also when you were having a disagreement with someone. When people feel respectfully listened to, they are more likely to compromise during a conflict.

Next, Jen was all about conversation stretchers...asking follow-up questions, asking about the other person, getting more details. All these things added up to more meaningful conversations!

Last, we tackled chatting with "safe strangers" or "friendly folks." People we came in contact with every day that maybe we didn't know, but they're generally harmless. We parents noticed our kids didn't have strategies for dealing with these periphery people. You know, when you're at church and a kind elderly woman talks to your child (who stares blankly). Or when a shop clerk asks your child about the book they're holding and she clings to your leg instead. I wrote a couple of skits for this one, and the three of us acted them out.

Pleasant People Interactions
At the store Target:
Store clerk: Hi there! That's a cute shirt you have on!
Alicia: Uh, thanks. (looks down)
SC: Can I help you find anything?
A: No thanks. (looks down and shuffles off)

Same situation:
SC: Hi there! That's a cute shirt you have on!
A: Well, thank you! (smiles) I bought it here.
SC: Terrific! Can I help you find anything?
A: I think I am fine, but thanks for asking. Bye!

Question: which has better communication and why?

At a restaurant:
Waiter: And what will you be having tonight?
E: (tugs at Mom's arm and points at menu). Looks down and mumbles, "This."
W: Would you like a salad with that, hon?
E: (nods yes)

Same scenario:
W: And what will you be having tonight?
E: Hi! I would like the chicken sandwich please. (eye contact)
W: Would you like a salad with that, hon?
E: Yes, thank you. (smiles)

Question: which has better communication? Why?

Body language played a big role in these conversations. Eye contact, using a clear voice, keeping your body open and inviting (arms not crossed, etc.), as well as smiling and nodding were mentioned as easy ways to become a better communicator.

After all this talking, it was time for some games! We came up with three game stations revolving around our themes. We divided everyone up into three groups, and each group had about 10-15 minutes per station.

1. Jenga for conversation stretchers -- While conversing, the girls played Jenga. The Jenga blocks randomly had phrases taped to them, and if you pulled one of those, you needed to use it! Jen found these great kid conversation starters/stretchers, and added ones like "Tell me more" and "How do you feel about that?"

2. Headbandz for active listening -- Have you played this game? It's really fun! Everyone wears a headband that has a word or phrase on it...you can't see your own, and when it's your turn, you have one minute to try to guess it. You can ask yes or no questions only. The phrases we used were eye contact, use a clear voice, ask about the other person, ask open-ended questions, sit up, listen, nod and track the talker. 

3. Fill in the comic strips for communication with friendly folks. I used the website called makebelievecomix.com for this one -- you can create your own comic strips quickly and with ease. I started a conversation and rest was left blank to be filled in by the girls. Here are a few examples:

We ended the night with creating a human knot  -- "How can we use communication to untangle ourselves?" It was pretty hilarious. Everyone was exhausted and happy by the end. An excellent evening!

Future plans

These first meetings were going so well! The girls engaged in quality conversations, the leaders prepared thoughtful sessions -- we were officially up and running! Now that we felt secure and sure we wanted to continue our TAGG group for years to come, the moms needed to plan. The Type A personalities in our group (myself included -- love to update the family calendar and check off my lists!) desired a bit of a schedule for the year ahead.

An evening at a local Caribou provided a long table, cozy atmosphere and the time necessary to bounce around our ideas. Seven of us began the long list of topics we hoped to cover during our daughters' pre-adolescence years and beyond. The Mother-Daughter Project book proved an excellent resource during this conversation, as it contained a list of pertinent matters, along with reference materials, at the end of the book. Our brainstorming included:

• body changes
• managing money
• self-esteem
• fears/worries/anxiety (at home and at school)
• loving and caring for our bodies
• enhancing communication
• creating community 
• confronting consumerism
• fostering conversations
• conflict resolution (respectfulness and assertiveness)
• feelings, emotions and stress
• being safe and staying home alone
• modesty
• internet safety
• substances
• boundaries at school, home, sports
• volunteerism (maybe Feed My Starving Children?)

So many ideas! Decisions were hashed through as to which topics to focus on for the rest of the year, as well as who'd take the lead for each month. The willingness to jump in and tackle a topic astounded me. Each month had at least two names next to it -- women who would meet and create ways for us to help our girls navigate the world with their trusty moms (and friend-moms) at their sides. There were plenty of resources out there in libraries and online these days, and we all had books to share with each other. A few recommendations were the "Adding Assets Series" for kids, published by Free Spirit Publishing -- Doing and Being Your Best and Proud to be You. Virtually all the American Girl Library books (The Caring and Keeping of You, The Feelings Book, etc.) are wonderful and tactful. And accessible to the girls they are written for! (It helps to have teachers, a social worker and a children's librarian in the group, doesn't it?) We strove to keep these meetings as fun, fresh and unschool-like as possible, too.

Our line-up for the rest of the school year (through summer) looked like this:

January: Communication

February: Conflict Resolution

March: Anxiety and Fear

April: Body Talk (a pre-session before our fourth-graders had this talk at school)

(optional alternative activity for the younger girls?)

May: Revisit of Body Talk

June: Staying Home Alone

July: Volunteerism -- Feed My Starving Children

While gabbing, we reflected on how powerful this group would be for our girls. For them to know and trust so many peers and adults developed a strong sense of comfort. Bonding with other moms who have been at these meetings and seen, heard and accepted everyone's stories -- that sense of assurance that there were core people who had your back was immeasurable. And it didn't hurt that this group really knew how to have fun and be pretty goofy! (Lolo, I am talking to you, chica!) (o:

Don't take the bait

Tricia, a school social worker, and Sara, an elementary teacher, tackled our next topic: non-verbal language and hooks. Eye rolls, arms crossed, teases. Things that maybe aren't such a great way to communicate, but are part of every relationship now and again. After a circle greeting of Fancy Fist Bump {either a Snail, Squirrel or Jellyfish accompanied with a "Good evening, (insert name here)}," Tricia read this amazing book to start off this topic: Simon's Hook by Karen Gedig Burnett.

The lessons in this engaging book were clear and easy to use: people sometimes throw you a hook (a tease or put-down) but you don't have to take the bait (let it bother you). These are the five strategies of responding to a hook that were mentioned in this book:
1) Do little or nothing -- don't react.
2) Agree.
3) Distract.
4) Laugh.
5) Stay away.

Sara and Tricia discussed how sometimes we have people who throw out hooks to us all the time and sometimes just once in a while. Friends can throw hooks to each other, too. It's nice to know how to handle them when they happen.

The two women then provided three scenarios, and afterwards the girls turned to their neighbors to discuss which strategy they would use in each situation.

• A classmate says, "You are not a good reader -- you're in the lowest reading group."
• A classmate says, "You are so slow in gym. My Grandma can run faster than you!"
• You are on the bus and a 6th grader points at you and yells out, "Hey everyone! She like Carlos! HAHAHA!"

The conversations about these scenarios were awesome! The girls seemed willing to talk about some of the new strategies they'd been taught, and there was quite a bit of giggling as they tried to maintain an assertive tone when pretending to be bothered by their friends. Sara and Tricia walked the line between silly and serious beautifully, too. The goal was to feel comfortable using these in real life, so humor was essential.

Next came the chat that everyone had experience with: Hooks girls send out to other girls. Tricia and Sara created a few skits for our daughters about these hooks, and had some of the other moms act them out. Good thing a few hams were present who were always willing to act in skits! These skits focused on eye rolling, tone of voice and body language.

Eye Roll Hook Skit #1: Setting is recess

Everyone heads outside excited! It's free time!

#1: Hey guys, should we go on the field and play tag?

#2: Oh yeah! Sounds like fun.

#3: (obvious eye roll) Oh sure. Sounds great. (In a passive/blah sounding voice)

Eye Roll Hook Skit #2: Setting is hallway

#1: Hey Carrie, can I talk to you for a minute? (said normally)

#2: Sure, why? (slightly confused)

#1: I think Sara felt bad when you didn't sit by her at lunch today. Is something wrong?

#2: Oh, whatever. (BIG eye roll and walk away)

#1: Puts her hands in the air as if to say, "What in the world?"

Questions posed to the girls afterwards:

1) What did you notice?

2) What did it mean?

3) Why do we eye roll?

It can often mean:

• you disagree with who is talking.
• you don't like how the other person is saying something.
• you are frustrated or overwhelmed with what is being said.
• you don't respect the person talking.

How does the other person feel?

• Uncared for
• Insulted
• Looked down on
• Not respected

Eye rolling can damage a friendship. Strong girls use words in a loving way! So we brainstormed alternatives -- what else could we say or do?

• Oh, no thanks.
• Can we talk later?
• Not right now.
• I am going to choose something different.
• I'll meet up with you later.

We stopped there for a Turn and Talk with a neighbor: when have you seen this stuff before? When have you felt tempted to eye roll? Have you seen this in movie or TV characters? With friends? In books? Nearly everyone had experienced or witnessed lots of eye rolling. We talked about how it can be instinctive to roll eyes, but it's extremely sarcastic and hurtful, so we needed to watch ourselves!

Tone of Voice Skit:

(Read this skit through two times. The first time is friendly, the second should be read with an unhappy sarcastic tone that indicates the girls do not like Lauren.)

#1: Are you going to Jenna's birthday sleepover this weekend?

#2: Yes, but I have to come a little late because of gymnastics.

#1: Did you hear that Lauren is going to be there?

#1: Yah...

#2: Did you see the outfit she was wearing today?

#1: Those boots were so cool!

#2: I can't wait to see her.

Questions for the first time through:

What did you notice? What do the girls think about each other?

We told the girls we would do the same skit again and only change one thing. Could they notice what it was?

Questions for the second time through:

What did you notice? What do the girls think about each other? What was the difference and why? The words were identical!

Body Language Skit -- needed most of the moms for this one

(crossing arms, hands on hips, head roll, shoulder shrugging, eye contact, hair flip, etc.)

Group #1: (one person from this group:) Hey guys! Did you have a good Christmas?

Group #2: (one person from this group:) Oh, it was so fun. You have to hear what we all did! (hair flip)...we all went to see the new "Annie" movie and (facial expression, looking upwards)...then we totally went to (with great excitement) Freestyle Yogurt (open mouth and shoulder shrug) and got like every topping possible (said very valley-girlish)...then we set up the new Lego kits and everyone totally brought their new American Girl dolls and we did their hair. It was so great! (hair flip) 

So what did you guys do? (hands on hip, snarky look on face)

Group #1: Ummmm (they look at each other confused)

Questions:

What did you notice about the group's response to the question "Did you have a good Christmas?" Think about the body language used. What other body language does not show love and kindness? (crossing arms, no eye contact, walking away, etc.)

As time was drawing to a close, it was obvious the girls had so much more to say. We had hoped to have time to let us all create skits about using these hooks in both positive and negative ways. Next time! Tricia and Sara reined us all in and summarized: we all communicate with our eyes, mouths and bodies. Just as we show love through our body language, we can hurt others deeply with it, too. This was definitely a topic we'd be visiting again!

Thanks to Sara and Tricia for all their hard work on this session, and for their excellent outline to which I referred to for most of this post. 

You've got a friend in me

It was a pretty easy way to start: friendship. Everyone has connections to that word. Good, bad, kind, mean, fleeting, lasting. But how does one build a strong one? Our theme for our first "real" meeting was all about that.

We met at a local coffee shop in one of their gathering spaces on a Friday night. After orders of ice cream and hot drinks, the moms and girls settled in at their tables like school children: all facing the white board in the front. Michelle and I took charge of this meeting, and wanted to loosen everyone up a bit.

"Let's shove the tables aside and make a circle up front for some greetings," I suggested. Everyone scuttled to create a tight oval. We greeted with a High 5, Low 5 and fist bump. So far, the girls tended to either stay with their mom or next to a close friend. Smiles and energy all around, though! Next we requested highs or lows of the week...we had responses ranging from spelling tests to hurt feelings. (Maybe next time we could introduce a worry jar to add to whenever it was needed?)

Everyone sat back down as Michelle and I introduced the Friendship skits. I wrote these ahead of time, and let me be clear -- I did not miss my playwrighting day job! But they'd get the message across. (The skits are at the end of this post.) We called on a few moms to help us act them out. After each skit, we took time to discuss what exactly happened and how everyone felt in the scenario. These girls were impressively sensitive!

One area we really wanted to focus on was the use of the term "best friend." As a parent, I have worked hard to remind my children the importance of each of their friends, and how having many friends is core to being a better you. I think most of us had similar discussions at home. But this best friend thing came up so often at the moms dialogue before this meeting -- especially the "best friend" locket. The last skit addressed this topic; we left time to rewrite the ending of that skit with a small group so we could dig a little deeper. We chose groups with popsicle sticks that Tricia created, each with our names on them. Even Steven groups! Great idea, Tricia. And an excellent way to call on people to share when the discussion is getting heated.

Here some responses to the last skit:

                        

                      

After each group showed off their drama skills with their rewrites (some girls really hammed it up; others were shy), we sat back at the tables to talk about what a real friend was. The analysis was lively and many examples included shared personal stories and little anecdotes. The girls were loosening up! Clearly, the idea of being a good friend was one we'd need to revisit -- our time that night was running out, but the conversations weren't!

We ended with another circle -- this time, each person gavea compliment to the female next to them. They were mostly superficial at this point, ("I like your sweater" or "You have cool glasses") but others more insightful ("You are a good friend"). We'd keep working on that; time together would benefit that, too. The evening developed a wonderful start to a never-ending conversation...

Skits

“Join Us!”

A: Anyone want this piece of cheese? I am so full!

B: No thanks. Say, that’s Carol over there sitting alone. Do you think she is lonely?

D: She’s alright. She probably wants to eat alone.

A: I don’t know. Whenever I am alone at school, I wish someone would ask me to play.

D: If she wanted someone to eat with, she would ask. I know I would!

B: Sometimes it’s hard to ask to join in. It makes me feel really shy. I am going to ask her to eat with us.
--Hey, Carol! Want to sit with us?

Carol: Um, sure! Thanks for asking. (Everyone greets her.)

“Say Something!”

B: I bet you can’t do this move! (Dance or something here)

A: Easy! (Do the same and all laugh)

Carol: What’s going on over there? It looks like something’s happening with Anne.

D: I can’t tell if she is laughing or crying.

B: What should we do? It’s not really our business. Let’s keep dancing.

C: I want to make sure she is okay. She is my friend. If she is sad, I don’t want to leave her alone.

--Anne, are you okay?

Anne: Thanks, Carol. I need to play somewhere else. Those kids were teasing me about my new shoes. I liked them this morning, but now I am not sure. They said they are too clunky.

B: I think they are awesome! Wanna dance? (all start dancing)

“Not All Can be Invited”

D: I am so excited about my birthday party this weekend! It will be the best sleepover ever!

B: Me too! I have my fuzzy jammies already packed. And the new American Girl movie.

A: Who else is coming?

D: Well, that’s the hard part. Mom said I could only invite two friends, so it’s you two. I have so many friends I like, but I had to decide.

A: I think we shouldn’t talk about it at school then. Someone is bound to feel left out. Remember how you two were invited to Carol’s party and I wasn’t last year? I felt sad. I know Carol likes me, but I think she could only invite a few people, too.

D: You are right. No one likes to feel left out.

“Best Friends”

C: (walks over to a group of two girls) Hi! What are you doing? Can I play?

A: No. We’re best friends and we can’t play with anyone else.

C: (walks away sadly and approaches another two girls) Umm, hi. Can I play with you today?

D: I don’t think so. We are playing a game we play every day. Since we are best friends, we play it all the time and you just wouldn’t get it. Sorry.

C: I guess I will play alone. (looks down and plays with fingers)

A: (approaches C) Hi, Carol! Want to play with me and some other girls on the monkey bars?

C: Absolutely!

“This is Fun!”

(Anne and Carol are having fun together…laughing, playing a hand clap game)

C: This is so much fun! Thanks for inviting me over to play!

A: It is fun!

C: We really like the same stuff. I like dancing and so do you. I collect horses and you do too! I think we are like best friends!

A: Um, I already have a best friend, Carol. It’s Sally. Sally has the other side of my “best friend” locket. I can’t have two best friends.

C: Why not?

(leave open for discussion for girls to write the ending and decide if it is indeed okay to have more than one “best” friend.)

Mother-Daughter Meet-N-Greet

The moms of the group decided we should meet once each month with just the moms, along with once a month with the girls. We needed time to plan, brainstorm and decompress about whatever issues we might currently be dealing with. This was to be a support group for us all.

One of our kind mothers, Elizabeth, offered her basement as the first official "everyone" meeting site. We thought we'd try rotating homes to host the meetings (though admittedly, most of us didn't have space for 26 people in one room!). Elizabeth purchased journals for each of the girls to use for reflections before, during or after our meetings. It was our hope that they'd also use these as a way to ask us moms questions they weren't comfortable speaking aloud.

We met on a school night -- all the girls were giddy and the atmosphere was electric. Truthfully, we were all pretty excited! We snuggled in on couches, chairs, pillows and the floor. It was cozy and being that close in proximity was good for us to start our bonding process! I took some time to introduce the concept of a mother-daughter group and solicited feedback from everyone about their hopes and dreams for this group. We had many. The girls also had many questions about respect and trust and confidentiality, so we took time to create a compilation of our promises. We all knew there would be some big conversations ahead, and it was imperative we had each other's backs.

1) Keep our promises to each other.
2) Be honest and trustworthy.
3) Make people feel like they belong.
4) What happens here, stays here!
5) Be aware of each other's needs.
6) Respect each other's ideas.
7) Share with each other.
8) Be on time.
9) Work hard and play hard.
10) Have fun together!

After agreeing with these guidleines, we broke into small groups to create a name for ourselves. Something catchy and easy to remember. Something that would be kind of a code; the girls were very aware that not all of their friends were a part of this group, and didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings if they mentioned it at school. Some names thrown into the debate were:

MDP (Mother Daughter Project)
Ladies + Girls
The Chicks and the Chickens/Hens
Wacky Women
Sharing Caring
The Amazing Girls Group (TAGG)
GG (Girls Group)

The winner was TAGG (The Amazing Girls Group)! We also voted on ways to get the group's attention back after small group time or games. It was decided that one leader would call, "Tag -- you're it!" and all would go into the standing or seated lotus yoga pose and say "Oooomm." Perfect! Naturally we had to practice a little bit. (o:

We ended with time to decorate our new journals with all sorts of fun crafty materials, eat a snack and be a little silly. They had some energy to burn. But it was just a perfect way to start!

How did we get started?

Well, I started talking to some of my dear friends...the same ones I had been meeting for coffee, dinner, workouts, girls' weekends, etc. since my eldest was in kindergarten. We had a shared history; we had been watching our girls grow up together. And they were shining! I told them about this book and invited them to read it and think about their interest level in creating a group together. Not one turned me down.

A tricky part was that the group needed to remain fairly small in order to create the circle of trust required for the mature conversations we would have in the future. So, altogether I invited 9 women, with daughters ranging in age from kindergarten to fourth grade. The grand total (including my family) was 26. Not all that small! But manageable. The moms read the book (or skimmed it or got the Cliff's Notes version from someone else) and we met. We sat around at someone's house and riffed ideas and shared parenting stories. We talked about the highlights of the book, as well as the parts we were absolutely NOT doing. We had some shared backgrounds, but mostly not. Our group was in the Twin Cities, but we were not all from here. Some had small families, others large. Some worked full-time, some stayed home. We had to take time to make sure our goals and values aligned -- this group had plans to stick together for many years!

Then we brainstormed. What were some themes we wanted to address? What would the format look like? How often would we meet? Who would run the meetings? So much good discussion! We agreed to start by just meeting with the girls to talk about this idea. By asking them what they'd like to talk about, getting their input for our group name and having them be together for this common purpose, they'd take interest and ownership of the idea. It wasn't just the grown-ups who had a say -- we all did.

Our journey begins!

Hi! My name is Alicia. I am a teacher (on hiatus) and mother of three wonderful children, two of which are girls, now ages 11 and 9. A couple of years ago, I felt like I was losing my connection with my daughters. They were active, friendly, busy girls who started spending more and more time away from me -- sports, toys, playdates. Very natural, right? Yet I struggled with this idea. We were once such a strongly bonded cohort, and while I absolutely understood that kids needed to establish their own sense of self, I didn't want to lose my connection to them.

I searched online for ideas about ways to strengthen our relationships, and stumbled across this website: http://www.themother-daughterproject.com/. It was just what I was looking for. I hustled to a local bookstore to buy the book "The Mother-Daughter Project" and read ferociously. I highlighted and post-it-noted as I went, nodding my head often, wheels spinning in my brain. A mother-daughter group! That was just what we needed! This book gave me the inspiration and tools I needed to start my own mother-daughter group. At this time, many of my friends were experiencing the same things I was, and were eager to stay involved in their daughters' lives, and help them navigate the often-tricky world of puberty and the teenage years.

Thus, our TAGG Group (Totally Amazing Girls Group) was born. This blog is intended to pass along the wisdom (and headaches) our group has gained from being together and sharing the adventures of growing up. I will start from the beginning and post as we go!