Don't take the bait

Tricia, a school social worker, and Sara, an elementary teacher, tackled our next topic: non-verbal language and hooks. Eye rolls, arms crossed, teases. Things that maybe aren't such a great way to communicate, but are part of every relationship now and again. After a circle greeting of Fancy Fist Bump {either a Snail, Squirrel or Jellyfish accompanied with a "Good evening, (insert name here)}," Tricia read this amazing book to start off this topic: Simon's Hook by Karen Gedig Burnett.

The lessons in this engaging book were clear and easy to use: people sometimes throw you a hook (a tease or put-down) but you don't have to take the bait (let it bother you). These are the five strategies of responding to a hook that were mentioned in this book:
1) Do little or nothing -- don't react.
2) Agree.
3) Distract.
4) Laugh.
5) Stay away.

Sara and Tricia discussed how sometimes we have people who throw out hooks to us all the time and sometimes just once in a while. Friends can throw hooks to each other, too. It's nice to know how to handle them when they happen.

The two women then provided three scenarios, and afterwards the girls turned to their neighbors to discuss which strategy they would use in each situation.

• A classmate says, "You are not a good reader -- you're in the lowest reading group."
• A classmate says, "You are so slow in gym. My Grandma can run faster than you!"
• You are on the bus and a 6th grader points at you and yells out, "Hey everyone! She like Carlos! HAHAHA!"

The conversations about these scenarios were awesome! The girls seemed willing to talk about some of the new strategies they'd been taught, and there was quite a bit of giggling as they tried to maintain an assertive tone when pretending to be bothered by their friends. Sara and Tricia walked the line between silly and serious beautifully, too. The goal was to feel comfortable using these in real life, so humor was essential.

Next came the chat that everyone had experience with: Hooks girls send out to other girls. Tricia and Sara created a few skits for our daughters about these hooks, and had some of the other moms act them out. Good thing a few hams were present who were always willing to act in skits! These skits focused on eye rolling, tone of voice and body language.

Eye Roll Hook Skit #1: Setting is recess

Everyone heads outside excited! It's free time!

#1: Hey guys, should we go on the field and play tag?

#2: Oh yeah! Sounds like fun.

#3: (obvious eye roll) Oh sure. Sounds great. (In a passive/blah sounding voice)

Eye Roll Hook Skit #2: Setting is hallway

#1: Hey Carrie, can I talk to you for a minute? (said normally)

#2: Sure, why? (slightly confused)

#1: I think Sara felt bad when you didn't sit by her at lunch today. Is something wrong?

#2: Oh, whatever. (BIG eye roll and walk away)

#1: Puts her hands in the air as if to say, "What in the world?"

Questions posed to the girls afterwards:

1) What did you notice?

2) What did it mean?

3) Why do we eye roll?

It can often mean:

• you disagree with who is talking.
• you don't like how the other person is saying something.
• you are frustrated or overwhelmed with what is being said.
• you don't respect the person talking.

How does the other person feel?

• Uncared for
• Insulted
• Looked down on
• Not respected

Eye rolling can damage a friendship. Strong girls use words in a loving way! So we brainstormed alternatives -- what else could we say or do?

• Oh, no thanks.
• Can we talk later?
• Not right now.
• I am going to choose something different.
• I'll meet up with you later.

We stopped there for a Turn and Talk with a neighbor: when have you seen this stuff before? When have you felt tempted to eye roll? Have you seen this in movie or TV characters? With friends? In books? Nearly everyone had experienced or witnessed lots of eye rolling. We talked about how it can be instinctive to roll eyes, but it's extremely sarcastic and hurtful, so we needed to watch ourselves!

Tone of Voice Skit:

(Read this skit through two times. The first time is friendly, the second should be read with an unhappy sarcastic tone that indicates the girls do not like Lauren.)

#1: Are you going to Jenna's birthday sleepover this weekend?

#2: Yes, but I have to come a little late because of gymnastics.

#1: Did you hear that Lauren is going to be there?

#1: Yah...

#2: Did you see the outfit she was wearing today?

#1: Those boots were so cool!

#2: I can't wait to see her.

Questions for the first time through:

What did you notice? What do the girls think about each other?

We told the girls we would do the same skit again and only change one thing. Could they notice what it was?

Questions for the second time through:

What did you notice? What do the girls think about each other? What was the difference and why? The words were identical!

Body Language Skit -- needed most of the moms for this one

(crossing arms, hands on hips, head roll, shoulder shrugging, eye contact, hair flip, etc.)

Group #1: (one person from this group:) Hey guys! Did you have a good Christmas?

Group #2: (one person from this group:) Oh, it was so fun. You have to hear what we all did! (hair flip)...we all went to see the new "Annie" movie and (facial expression, looking upwards)...then we totally went to (with great excitement) Freestyle Yogurt (open mouth and shoulder shrug) and got like every topping possible (said very valley-girlish)...then we set up the new Lego kits and everyone totally brought their new American Girl dolls and we did their hair. It was so great! (hair flip) 

So what did you guys do? (hands on hip, snarky look on face)

Group #1: Ummmm (they look at each other confused)

Questions:

What did you notice about the group's response to the question "Did you have a good Christmas?" Think about the body language used. What other body language does not show love and kindness? (crossing arms, no eye contact, walking away, etc.)

As time was drawing to a close, it was obvious the girls had so much more to say. We had hoped to have time to let us all create skits about using these hooks in both positive and negative ways. Next time! Tricia and Sara reined us all in and summarized: we all communicate with our eyes, mouths and bodies. Just as we show love through our body language, we can hurt others deeply with it, too. This was definitely a topic we'd be visiting again!

Thanks to Sara and Tricia for all their hard work on this session, and for their excellent outline to which I referred to for most of this post.