Resolving Conflict

If your family is anything like mine, you hear more rather ridiculous arguments than you can count every day (maybe even every morning?). I read that on average, siblings in particular fight 3.5 times every hour. That's roughly 10 minutes of each hour of the day that they are together. Ouch! No wonder my husband and I have a super-sized container of Excederin in the medicine cabinet. Not every argument is silly, of course, and there are plenty of reasons why we should teach our girls how to stand up for themselves and resolve conflict peacefully and assertively.

Michelle and Kori led our conflict resolution meeting, and as calm and gentle souls, they were the perfect ones to do it! After a good discussion about why people argue and the difference between a big and small conflict, they introduced this acronym: Take a STAND to solve a problem.

S -- Stop and calm down. Keep emotions in check.
T -- Tell what's bugging you. Listen to each side. Stick to the facts!
A -- Assess alternatives. Brainstorm your options.
N -- Narrow your choices to "win-wins."
D -- Decide on the best one that you both agree upon, and do it!

"I" statements were also introduced as a great way to solve conflicts -- to move from being too passive (like a doormat) or aggressive (like a mean kid) to assertive (kind, but standing up for yourself). All of the moms at our moms-only meeting felt really strongly about this one. "We are teaching our daughters to be kind, but then they are walked all over!" A few of us admitted that that was still the case for ourselves as adults. Use of these "I" statements helped overcome the hurdle of worrying about others' feelings and just stating facts about ourselves.

A sheet with this information was passed out:

"I" statements are usually done in a very specific way, and they can be used anywhere, at any time, with anyone!

"I feel __________ (mad, sad, scared, upset, disappointed, etc.) when you _____________(describe the action or behavior) because ___________ (say how this action led to your feeling). I need you to/I want you to/I wish you would ___________ (say what you would like the other person to do)."

The girls and moms broke into small groups and were given scenarios to try to resolve. Everyone had ideas about how to solve the problems they faced. Watching these girls stand up for themselves when they felt wronged (acting or not) gave us all a sense of power and peace. They could do this! As always, we ended the meeting in a circle, giving compliments to the female next to us.

Now, I know the everyday squabbles aren't going anywhere, but when the big ones arrive, we have a pocket full of ideas about how to resolve them. Yeehaw!