Communication 101

Communication was the name of the game for this session. Elizabeth, Jen and I chose to discuss verbal and non-verbal exchanges, and this was perfect timing after our last session about body language. Our goals were learning ways to communicate:

• when we're upset, sad or just disagree.
• with "safe strangers" (waiter, shop clerk).
• actively, politely and assertively.

The downstairs conference space of a local coffee shop continued to be our meeting place. Once orders were placed and everyone had chatted a bit, we got down to business. After a circle greeting and introduction of the topic, we started with discussing how to actively listen. Elizabeth shared this great acronym:

We all dutifully practiced these suggestions while she talked, of course! This was a great tool for listening at school to teachers and classmates, and also when you were having a disagreement with someone. When people feel respectfully listened to, they are more likely to compromise during a conflict.

Next, Jen was all about conversation stretchers...asking follow-up questions, asking about the other person, getting more details. All these things added up to more meaningful conversations!

Last, we tackled chatting with "safe strangers" or "friendly folks." People we came in contact with every day that maybe we didn't know, but they're generally harmless. We parents noticed our kids didn't have strategies for dealing with these periphery people. You know, when you're at church and a kind elderly woman talks to your child (who stares blankly). Or when a shop clerk asks your child about the book they're holding and she clings to your leg instead. I wrote a couple of skits for this one, and the three of us acted them out.

Pleasant People Interactions
At the store Target:
Store clerk: Hi there! That's a cute shirt you have on!
Alicia: Uh, thanks. (looks down)
SC: Can I help you find anything?
A: No thanks. (looks down and shuffles off)

Same situation:
SC: Hi there! That's a cute shirt you have on!
A: Well, thank you! (smiles) I bought it here.
SC: Terrific! Can I help you find anything?
A: I think I am fine, but thanks for asking. Bye!

Question: which has better communication and why?

At a restaurant:
Waiter: And what will you be having tonight?
E: (tugs at Mom's arm and points at menu). Looks down and mumbles, "This."
W: Would you like a salad with that, hon?
E: (nods yes)

Same scenario:
W: And what will you be having tonight?
E: Hi! I would like the chicken sandwich please. (eye contact)
W: Would you like a salad with that, hon?
E: Yes, thank you. (smiles)

Question: which has better communication? Why?

Body language played a big role in these conversations. Eye contact, using a clear voice, keeping your body open and inviting (arms not crossed, etc.), as well as smiling and nodding were mentioned as easy ways to become a better communicator.

After all this talking, it was time for some games! We came up with three game stations revolving around our themes. We divided everyone up into three groups, and each group had about 10-15 minutes per station.

1. Jenga for conversation stretchers -- While conversing, the girls played Jenga. The Jenga blocks randomly had phrases taped to them, and if you pulled one of those, you needed to use it! Jen found these great kid conversation starters/stretchers, and added ones like "Tell me more" and "How do you feel about that?"

2. Headbandz for active listening -- Have you played this game? It's really fun! Everyone wears a headband that has a word or phrase on it...you can't see your own, and when it's your turn, you have one minute to try to guess it. You can ask yes or no questions only. The phrases we used were eye contact, use a clear voice, ask about the other person, ask open-ended questions, sit up, listen, nod and track the talker. 

3. Fill in the comic strips for communication with friendly folks. I used the website called makebelievecomix.com for this one -- you can create your own comic strips quickly and with ease. I started a conversation and rest was left blank to be filled in by the girls. Here are a few examples:

We ended the night with creating a human knot  -- "How can we use communication to untangle ourselves?" It was pretty hilarious. Everyone was exhausted and happy by the end. An excellent evening!

Future plans

These first meetings were going so well! The girls engaged in quality conversations, the leaders prepared thoughtful sessions -- we were officially up and running! Now that we felt secure and sure we wanted to continue our TAGG group for years to come, the moms needed to plan. The Type A personalities in our group (myself included -- love to update the family calendar and check off my lists!) desired a bit of a schedule for the year ahead.

An evening at a local Caribou provided a long table, cozy atmosphere and the time necessary to bounce around our ideas. Seven of us began the long list of topics we hoped to cover during our daughters' pre-adolescence years and beyond. The Mother-Daughter Project book proved an excellent resource during this conversation, as it contained a list of pertinent matters, along with reference materials, at the end of the book. Our brainstorming included:

• body changes
• managing money
• self-esteem
• fears/worries/anxiety (at home and at school)
• loving and caring for our bodies
• enhancing communication
• creating community 
• confronting consumerism
• fostering conversations
• conflict resolution (respectfulness and assertiveness)
• feelings, emotions and stress
• being safe and staying home alone
• modesty
• internet safety
• substances
• boundaries at school, home, sports
• volunteerism (maybe Feed My Starving Children?)

So many ideas! Decisions were hashed through as to which topics to focus on for the rest of the year, as well as who'd take the lead for each month. The willingness to jump in and tackle a topic astounded me. Each month had at least two names next to it -- women who would meet and create ways for us to help our girls navigate the world with their trusty moms (and friend-moms) at their sides. There were plenty of resources out there in libraries and online these days, and we all had books to share with each other. A few recommendations were the "Adding Assets Series" for kids, published by Free Spirit Publishing -- Doing and Being Your Best and Proud to be You. Virtually all the American Girl Library books (The Caring and Keeping of You, The Feelings Book, etc.) are wonderful and tactful. And accessible to the girls they are written for! (It helps to have teachers, a social worker and a children's librarian in the group, doesn't it?) We strove to keep these meetings as fun, fresh and unschool-like as possible, too.

Our line-up for the rest of the school year (through summer) looked like this:

January: Communication

February: Conflict Resolution

March: Anxiety and Fear

April: Body Talk (a pre-session before our fourth-graders had this talk at school)

(optional alternative activity for the younger girls?)

May: Revisit of Body Talk

June: Staying Home Alone

July: Volunteerism -- Feed My Starving Children

While gabbing, we reflected on how powerful this group would be for our girls. For them to know and trust so many peers and adults developed a strong sense of comfort. Bonding with other moms who have been at these meetings and seen, heard and accepted everyone's stories -- that sense of assurance that there were core people who had your back was immeasurable. And it didn't hurt that this group really knew how to have fun and be pretty goofy! (Lolo, I am talking to you, chica!) (o:

Don't take the bait

Tricia, a school social worker, and Sara, an elementary teacher, tackled our next topic: non-verbal language and hooks. Eye rolls, arms crossed, teases. Things that maybe aren't such a great way to communicate, but are part of every relationship now and again. After a circle greeting of Fancy Fist Bump {either a Snail, Squirrel or Jellyfish accompanied with a "Good evening, (insert name here)}," Tricia read this amazing book to start off this topic: Simon's Hook by Karen Gedig Burnett.

The lessons in this engaging book were clear and easy to use: people sometimes throw you a hook (a tease or put-down) but you don't have to take the bait (let it bother you). These are the five strategies of responding to a hook that were mentioned in this book:
1) Do little or nothing -- don't react.
2) Agree.
3) Distract.
4) Laugh.
5) Stay away.

Sara and Tricia discussed how sometimes we have people who throw out hooks to us all the time and sometimes just once in a while. Friends can throw hooks to each other, too. It's nice to know how to handle them when they happen.

The two women then provided three scenarios, and afterwards the girls turned to their neighbors to discuss which strategy they would use in each situation.

• A classmate says, "You are not a good reader -- you're in the lowest reading group."
• A classmate says, "You are so slow in gym. My Grandma can run faster than you!"
• You are on the bus and a 6th grader points at you and yells out, "Hey everyone! She like Carlos! HAHAHA!"

The conversations about these scenarios were awesome! The girls seemed willing to talk about some of the new strategies they'd been taught, and there was quite a bit of giggling as they tried to maintain an assertive tone when pretending to be bothered by their friends. Sara and Tricia walked the line between silly and serious beautifully, too. The goal was to feel comfortable using these in real life, so humor was essential.

Next came the chat that everyone had experience with: Hooks girls send out to other girls. Tricia and Sara created a few skits for our daughters about these hooks, and had some of the other moms act them out. Good thing a few hams were present who were always willing to act in skits! These skits focused on eye rolling, tone of voice and body language.

Eye Roll Hook Skit #1: Setting is recess

Everyone heads outside excited! It's free time!

#1: Hey guys, should we go on the field and play tag?

#2: Oh yeah! Sounds like fun.

#3: (obvious eye roll) Oh sure. Sounds great. (In a passive/blah sounding voice)

Eye Roll Hook Skit #2: Setting is hallway

#1: Hey Carrie, can I talk to you for a minute? (said normally)

#2: Sure, why? (slightly confused)

#1: I think Sara felt bad when you didn't sit by her at lunch today. Is something wrong?

#2: Oh, whatever. (BIG eye roll and walk away)

#1: Puts her hands in the air as if to say, "What in the world?"

Questions posed to the girls afterwards:

1) What did you notice?

2) What did it mean?

3) Why do we eye roll?

It can often mean:

• you disagree with who is talking.
• you don't like how the other person is saying something.
• you are frustrated or overwhelmed with what is being said.
• you don't respect the person talking.

How does the other person feel?

• Uncared for
• Insulted
• Looked down on
• Not respected

Eye rolling can damage a friendship. Strong girls use words in a loving way! So we brainstormed alternatives -- what else could we say or do?

• Oh, no thanks.
• Can we talk later?
• Not right now.
• I am going to choose something different.
• I'll meet up with you later.

We stopped there for a Turn and Talk with a neighbor: when have you seen this stuff before? When have you felt tempted to eye roll? Have you seen this in movie or TV characters? With friends? In books? Nearly everyone had experienced or witnessed lots of eye rolling. We talked about how it can be instinctive to roll eyes, but it's extremely sarcastic and hurtful, so we needed to watch ourselves!

Tone of Voice Skit:

(Read this skit through two times. The first time is friendly, the second should be read with an unhappy sarcastic tone that indicates the girls do not like Lauren.)

#1: Are you going to Jenna's birthday sleepover this weekend?

#2: Yes, but I have to come a little late because of gymnastics.

#1: Did you hear that Lauren is going to be there?

#1: Yah...

#2: Did you see the outfit she was wearing today?

#1: Those boots were so cool!

#2: I can't wait to see her.

Questions for the first time through:

What did you notice? What do the girls think about each other?

We told the girls we would do the same skit again and only change one thing. Could they notice what it was?

Questions for the second time through:

What did you notice? What do the girls think about each other? What was the difference and why? The words were identical!

Body Language Skit -- needed most of the moms for this one

(crossing arms, hands on hips, head roll, shoulder shrugging, eye contact, hair flip, etc.)

Group #1: (one person from this group:) Hey guys! Did you have a good Christmas?

Group #2: (one person from this group:) Oh, it was so fun. You have to hear what we all did! (hair flip)...we all went to see the new "Annie" movie and (facial expression, looking upwards)...then we totally went to (with great excitement) Freestyle Yogurt (open mouth and shoulder shrug) and got like every topping possible (said very valley-girlish)...then we set up the new Lego kits and everyone totally brought their new American Girl dolls and we did their hair. It was so great! (hair flip) 

So what did you guys do? (hands on hip, snarky look on face)

Group #1: Ummmm (they look at each other confused)

Questions:

What did you notice about the group's response to the question "Did you have a good Christmas?" Think about the body language used. What other body language does not show love and kindness? (crossing arms, no eye contact, walking away, etc.)

As time was drawing to a close, it was obvious the girls had so much more to say. We had hoped to have time to let us all create skits about using these hooks in both positive and negative ways. Next time! Tricia and Sara reined us all in and summarized: we all communicate with our eyes, mouths and bodies. Just as we show love through our body language, we can hurt others deeply with it, too. This was definitely a topic we'd be visiting again!

Thanks to Sara and Tricia for all their hard work on this session, and for their excellent outline to which I referred to for most of this post.